When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Yep.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
#NeverForget
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
never deleting this app.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.