“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!