My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there