@Parker_Simpson: When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder
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@SamuelHLowe: - What's your cell phone? - iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that.
@ninjadinosaur1: Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn't agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
@ChickenFrecklez: Crazy sister put: "I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly" on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
@TheAlexNevil: Death: I've come for you. Me: That's what she said. D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.