For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
You Might Also Like
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me trying to look natural in photos
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out