They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.