@biscuitahoy: When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.
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@EJGomez: bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]
@GreenSmoke_: My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
@rumsnipe: Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won't last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
@CMHorrocks: These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops. You'd think they would have went before the race.