My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
new shirt idea