When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD