When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
can’t catch a break
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed