When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.