@HatfieldAnne: When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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@gerryhallcomedy: There's no such thing as "elevator etiquette" buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [doctor's office] ME: I'm here for my test results [the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently] DR: I have some bad news...
@fro_vo: Cop: i told you this land is off limits Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits Cop: wtf are flimits Me: idk let's go look Cop: ok