When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.