@thedailymarker: When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don't open your heart.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That’s how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
@SondraDeeMe: You going to eat those sausages? - What? The encased meats. Do you want them? - Those are my fingers. Oh, no thanks, I'm not there yet.
@KelFocker: A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
@KalvinMacleod: DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a DATE: no ME: mewseum DAD: *nods his approval*