@thedailymarker: When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don't open your heart.
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@jologz: I wouldn't want lesbian parents. Not because I'm homophobic. I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
@sock_holliday: The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history
@doktorj: Teach a man to fish and you'll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
@madeleinedoux: [date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand "Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me