When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Nothing to do, you say?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Me: Same.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..