I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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Before crowbars crows drank alone
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”