When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Do one person every day that scares you.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
adam and eve had first world problems
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.