“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
You Might Also Like
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
So the ex texted me
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Well, that should do it
*puts words between two asterisks*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”