@jayonguitar: When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.
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@Cyd10e: 9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe: "It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?"
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try
@tarashoe: A WOMAN: i've only been washing my hair ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!! THE WOMAN: once a ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
@mrtruthandsoul: *holding cardboard sign by intersection* NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL