Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”