somebody come look at this
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
At least my masseuse has my back.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
#Caturday
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
how it started vs how it ended
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
car not found
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”