@ShittyComedian: When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
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@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
@DanielKostadino: During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.