@ShittyComedian: When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
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@stephenjmolloy: Me with megaphone: "COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Man: "I'm fixing your roof tiles, remember?" Me: "I FORGOT!"
@kumailn: If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."
@trojansauce: HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back? DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks