My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
my nickname in college
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves