@myonlymizztake: When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@theshamingofjay: No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.
@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
@TravLeBlanc: I'm working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
@GuyThe_Guy: I'm starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.