@myonlymizztake: When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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@topaz_kell: Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like not being allowed to leave the table until you finish your brussels sprouts.
@david8hughes: [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
@SmartassChef: Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
@HousewifeOfHell: Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.