When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.