God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house