[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.