I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You Might Also Like
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Dead
Alive
Other✔
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.