When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The Punning Dead.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.