I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
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babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores