Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy