When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?