When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.