When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.