I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.