My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool