@Death_Buddy: When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
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@Georg_Grey: If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
@LindaInDisguise: Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
@david8hughes: I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald's bathroom. I'm up $405 or whatever.
@KeetPotato: this is the worst weather ive ever seen "what about when the wind had sharks in it?" that was a movie dad "oh excuse me weather expert"