When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Jurassic park gets weird
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Monday
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese