Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Woke up against my better judgment again
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”