@_steamy_mac: When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.
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@Darlainky: [neighborhood meeting] Me: This is an outrage! Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to– Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
@nPhelendriqal: A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.