Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
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When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
peep davidson
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
BaD BoY!!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.