Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Ron is short for Aaronald
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Great Canadian literature.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo