God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”