When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
😂😂
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
reduce, reuse, recycle
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.