When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.