@Ivsy01: When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn't have electricity.
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@TheRolo: "Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff" I feel it says all u need to know about me "He's drunk with a cheeseburger" Yes
@TheQuietPsycho: I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore
@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
@calluptome: The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"