Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale