When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
scares
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.