@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.
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@vineyille: Me: Just a glass of water Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of... yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I'll bring it
@calamitydaisy: I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
@david8hughes: [at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip