When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores