When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Storm Tropical Storm
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either