When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)