During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
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#GeekySongsAndShows
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
good work, everybody
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.