When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in