When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The honesty is refreshing
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Teach your children to beatbox
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”